Everything
by AlwaysER-AlwaysCarby2
Summary: Post 11.02. Carter is dealing with his losses, Abby tries to help. He returns to Africa, to run away again. But she wont let him escape this time, she follows him......... there's lots to come. A Carby. Please Read and Review, Chapter 12 uploaded
1. Difference of A Year

**Title:** Everything  
  
**Rating:** PG   
  
**Spoilers:** It's post 11.02. So some spoilers, not much that you didn't see coming. If you haven't read spoilers yet, but want to know what happens in 11.01 and 11.02, they are posted in Author's note. Most will be explained in the story though.  
  
**Summary:**Kem leaves Carter, and so he has a hard time. Abby tries to help, but he runs back to Africa. She follows.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, all NBC.  
  
**Author's Note:** No spoilers were known for 11.03 when this was written, so far, in 11.01 and 11.02, Carter proposes to Kem, she says no, and goes back to Africa. He starts to drink, and Abby and Luka offer to help. Carter turns them down. This came to me as a random thought, so let me know if it works. Please Read and Review!   
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Chapter 1: Difference of a Year  
  
Carter stood on the roof. Breathing in the cold air around him, letting it fill his lungs. The crisp cold air burning his throat, but refreshing him. Watching the puffs his breath were making in the air, rising a little and slowly disappearing, slowly becoming invisible.   
Carter stood there watching the stars, stretching for what seemed like forever, enveloping him, up there on the roof, he knew he was alone, but it didn't matter. He felt alone in crowds, watching the faces pass by him, knowing he would probably never see these people again. Their lives, so different from his, some knowing no pain, some knowing too much.   
But out here, he could breath, he could think. The coldness of their always seemed to refresh him, pull him out of his shell. It aloud him to think clearly, without being clouded by pain and grief.   
He still grieved, but out here, things were clearer. He could piece things together, take them apart in his mind, he could remember, he could think, he could cry.  
How much of a difference a year had made, and yet none at all. He felt many ways the same he had a year ago. His life was falling apart, he had lost someone he loved, last year Gamma, this year, his son. He had lost two women. Though the woman were so different, he didn't even think he could compare them. They were as different as black and white. He loved one, he only thought he loved the other.  
Kem, an exotic island beauty. Happy, exuberant, bubbling with joy and laughter. Caring for everyone and anyone. Always busy, busy with her AIDS program. She never really liked Chicago, but always looking to please, so she stayed for me.  
Then there was Abby. What is there to say about Abby. Smart, sarcastic, beautiful, wonderful, filled with self-doubt. She always had a hard time, with everything. And yet, no matter how imperfect she was, no matter how perfect Kem seemed, Carter couldn't help but be drawn to Abby. Just as he always had.  
He couldn't explain it, it had always been like this. He always felt like there was more to discover in the layers she kept hidden, things he didn't know. Carter feasted on the secrets that she gave him, leaving him desperate for more. He wanted to examine every inch or her, know everything about her, her every movement and thought, her secrets, her life. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't stay away.  
He ran to escape, he ran because he couldn't deal with everything that faced him. So he ran to Africa. There things seemed clear, people were suffering, he could help them. But Africa had clouded his mind, making him believe things that weren't real. When he came back the first time, he thought things would be better. They weren't, Abby was mad at him for leaving, he was mad that things were the same as when he first left. Then he left again, because of Luka. It was an excuse to go back, a good one. There, things were easy again, there things made sense. It was like a dream land, he met a island queen, and she was so different. Different than anything he had ever known. Different than Abby in every way, he couldn't stay not take that chance. That idea that came to his mind, saying that with Kem, Abby would dissapear. She was so differen, he woul forget all about her.  
It's amazing how he latched onto that, the idea that she was the opposite of everything he had ever known, so she could save him. That was what he believed, and as much as she filled his thoughts, so would Abby. At night mostly, he would dream of her. They were dreams of her, watching her just walk, or talk or move, sometime he kissed her in the dreams, then he would wake up suddenly. He would sit, looking out at the night, wondering what she was doing until Kem would wake up, because of his absence, and pull him back to bed.   
The baby, that was a complete mistake. But Carter latched onto this new idea of him being a father. It revitalized him. Pushed Abby from his mind, he had something to look forward to. And Kem being the mother, suddenly she was the woman of his dreams.  
When he returned, nothing could touch him, because of the perfect little bubble he had around him. A happy family, it was perfect. Because of the bubble, he missed all the signs. The signs saying that Kem wasn't happy, she didn't like the states. She was restless. Maybe she loved Carter, but not as much as he liked to imagine she did.   
Then the baby died, and this bubble around him, it popped. It was gone, and suddenly everything became real again. He had never gotten over Gamma, or Abby. All around him, it all seemed fake. He came home to a woman, who grieved, but he couldn't comfort her, she couldn't comfort him either. He knew now, she wasn't happy, and she hadn't really been. She didn't want to be a mother, as much as he thought she had.   
It was all fake, he realized, his whole world. Then Kem left, that didn't surprise him though. She couldn't stay, he didn't really want to be with her anymore either.   
One thing always stood out for him though, there wasn't much to remind him of the past year, the absence of Kem and the baby made it as if it was only a dream. Gamma's absence was there though and Abby was there, the biggest mistake he ever made. Looking back now, he would have never gone. He would have never left her, he would not have to be dealing with two losses now. He would have her, Abby.   
If only, he hadn't left. If only, those are the only two words that seemed to have any importance lately. If only I hadn't let her go, those are the only words that keep running through Carter's head. 


	2. Always In My Dreams

Chapter 2: Always in my Dreams  
"Where's Carter?" Abby asked Jerry. She was just ending her shift, and he was just starting, she needed to brie him on the patients she was passing on to him.   
"I don't think he is here yet." Jerry said. Not really looking at her, but immersed in a game he was playing on the computer.  
Abby knew that Carter was here though. She had seen him come in. About 20 minutes ago. He always came early and left late nowadays. Ever since Kem left. Not that she blamed him. She wouldn't want to go home to an empty house every day. She always did, but it was different for him.   
Abby understood. When loosing a love, you hate to go home, finding yourself alone in an empty cold house. One that should be warm and filled with laughter and love.   
Abby knew that only too well. Right after Carter left, she would have dreams, dreams of him, lying next to her. But when she rolled over to hug his sleeping body, she would wake up to find him not there. Her apartment seemed empty without him. Everything about it menacing because it was where she made the biggest mistake of her life and sent him away.   
No, why must she always do this. Compare everything that happens to her with Carter. She does this all the time in her mind, but she hated it. That ended over a year ago, it's over, I am over him, she kept having to remind herself.  
She hated the fact that he haunted her every thought. When he was gone, thats all she thought about. In medical procedures to dreams, what would Carter do here? or Where is Carter now, what is he doing? She didn't understand why she wasn't over this already. It had been a year almost. Well, at least a year since he left the first time. Not a full year since the letter though.   
Oh, this was killing her. Everything pulling her back, making her remember. But she didn't want to remember, it was too painful. Remembering how she screwed up, remembering the mistakes she made, that she would give anything to redo. She hated having to remember these things, and every little detail.   
She had to think of something else. She had to talk to someone, see someone. Think about something, anything. Unfortunately she had to talk to Carter. She had to tell him what was being passed onto him for the night shift.   
She knew where to find him too. He was on the roof. The same place he had gone ever since Kem had left and he had started doing nights. She knew he was up there, but she never dared follow. No one did. Everyone worried though, what was he doing.  
Abby feared more than anyone. Would he do anything stupid, like shoot up again, or worse, jump. No one really knew how Carter was coping. He didn't talk to anyone, except for Luka right at the beginning, who wouldn't tell a soul what Carter had said to him. All he talked to anyone about now was medically related. Not a word more or less.   
  
Abby watched him, he was leaning on the railing, just looking up. She had gone up to the roof. She needed to talk to him, she needed to do something. She felt like she might be able to get him to talk, given their history. Not their relationship history, their friendship history. Even though it had been a while, a long while since they really talked, she thought she would try.  
He was leaning on the railing, just looking up at the sky. Watching his breath and the stars. He didn't react, or even move a muscle so she didn't know if he had heard her come up.   
"Hey." Abby said.   
Carter turned his head, but didn't respond. He looked down now, seeming completely interested in the piece of roof he was staring at.   
Abby stood there, not really knowing what to do. What should she do, would he leave if she walked to him? Standing there however wasn't do a thing either, so she walked up to him.  
He made no movement, no change. Abby leaned on the railing next to him, looking down too, to where he was staring. He wasn't really looking at anything, she realized. He was just watching, waiting, wondering what she was going to do.  
"Hey," She said again. Looking at him, hoping to get a response.  
"Hi," Carter said, but not really seeming to be there.   
"Are you trying to get frostbite? Because standing out here will do the trick." Abby ventured. Anything to get a response, he was in a way scaring her. The way he was acting.  
Carter looked up at her. Only suddenly seeming to really realize that she was there. He also suddenly realized she was right. He was freezing.  
"It is cold." Carter ventured.  
"Why are you out here then?" Abby asked. Wondering not really for the cold, mostly because she wanted to know what he was doing.  
"Nothing......" Abby sighed inwardly. She wished he would tell her. She wanted to know.   
"Nothing really," Carter went on. "I was just thinking.  
"About what?" Abby could venture a guess. He was probably thinking about Kem, or the baby.  
"Africa," Abby sighed, she was figured it was something like that. But he didn't sound completely truthful, Abby noticed.  
"I am thinking about going back." Carter said again. 


	3. Questions Without Answers

Chapter 3: Questions without Answers  
"Why?" Her question stung the air. Repeating over and over in Carter's head like an an echo. She was asking why he wanted to go back."  
"What do you mean, why?" Carter asked.   
"Why would you want to go back?  
She asked, and although Carter felt like it was obvious, he wasn't sure how to respond.  
"They need me." It sounded even cheesier out loud than it had in his head.  
"But why would you go back, after all that happened there?"  
Carter knew what the "that" had meant, she meant the baby, she meant Kem.  
"That happened here."  
"So why are you leaving?"  
Again, Carter felt like it was so obvious, but he didn't know how to answer.  
"They need me." He said again, softer this time. It was a bad answer, he knew it.  
"You are running away." She said. Sounding slightly accusing, and slightly pissed.  
"I am not running Abby." Carter was suddenly a little mad that she would say that. Mostly because he knew it was true, but he didn't want to admit it.  
"Then why don't you stay."   
Why not stay, he asked himself. Because he could, he knew, to much to remind him.  
"I can't." Carter said.  
"Carter, if you don't deal with this now, you never will.  
Carter was pissed again.   
"Who are you to tell me off for running from problems.  
Carter said this more forcefully then he mean it. But he was mad at her, he didn't want to be out there anymore. He wanted inside, he wanted people. He turned to head inside, and stalked away.  
"It's not going to make you forget Carter." Abby shouted after him. "Running from it isn't going to make it go away.  
  
There was silence, then she heard the door slam behind Carter. Carter had made up the thing about thinking about Africa when Abby had first come up, but it wasn't a lie that he wanted to return. Even though he knew things there were real in his mind. He wanted that escape. He couldn't face this any longer, he hated it.  
And who was she to tell him off for running away, Carter though bitterly. He grimaced. He had been calm before, or at least calmer. Now he was just mad, meaning he was brooding on things. It would make him think more and more again about everything that happened. Mostly his mistakes. He would be pissed for a while, he knew. It would be a long and unpleasant night. 


	4. All She Wanted

Thanks for the reviews. More please!  
Chapter 4: All She Wanted  
Well so much for them talking. Not that she really expected much. But it pissed her off so much, that he was going to do this again. The same thing he did when Gamma died and they were having problems. He ran, and he was going to do it again.  
Now Abby was the one standing outside thinking. Not even realizing the cold, because she was mad. She was mad that he was going to do the same thing to himself again.   
She had no right to be mad, she knew that. But Abby couldn't help it, she knew why he wanted to leave. But she knew that it wouldn't help, it would just make things worse if and when he came back. She wished she knew what she could do to make him see this.  
But standing out in the cold wasn't going to help her, so she turned to head inside. But half way to the door, she stopped. To her left, the place. A place she could never forget. She had only been up here once since then. It was with Neela the last time, and the time before that.... she didn't want to remember. It was too much to remember. Why did she have to be so stupid then. Why didn't she just run into his arms when he said that. Why didn't she tell him that she loved him and that she wanted to marry him. Then none of this would have happened.   
Why had she done all those stupid things. Why had she been so stubborn, never able to say what she felt. She hated remembering things like this, things that she would do anything to do over. She felt a tear run down her cheek, but quickly wiped it away.   
It was too long ago, she thought. It shouldn't still affect her like this. She couldn't stay here, so Abby turned around and headed back inside.   
When she got back down to the busy ER, she realized she still had to brief Carter on the patients. But she didn't really want to talk to him. It would be a little awkward. Maybe if Luka was on she could give it to him.   
Abby looked at the board. No, Carter and Luka had switched shifts so that now it was Carter who worked nights. Luka had wanted to spend more time with Sam and Alex, now that they were living together. She would just ask Morris to pass things on to him. Morris was still there, he had to clean up, a 5 year old had throw up on him earlier. Not that he didn't deserve it, he had been a real jerk to the kid, so the kid purposely threw up on him.  
  
Abby left 20 minutes later. Walking out into the Ambulance bay she didn't know what to do. She was tired, she just wanted to talk to someone though. She would just go home. Neela had been staying with her. Since Neela couldn't get another job, she was staying with Abby until she could get back into a residency program at County.  
Neela didn't actually know anything though. She didn't know a thing about them, their history.  
But she wasn't looking for pity, and the more she thought about it, she didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted company, someone to talk with. A friend, but yet she wanted more than that. She wanted someone to hold her while she cried, she wanted someone to hug, to kiss, to love, she hated to admit it, but all she wanted was Carter. 


	5. Something Unexpected

To all reader, Carter does go to Africa, but DO NOT FEAR! Just read this chapter, something good happens!!! Reviews Please!

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Chapter 5: Something Unexpected  
She had a point, Carter thought to himself. But he wasn't running this time, he told himself. He knew he was lying though. He knew he was running, he just wouldn't admit that too himself.  
He wasn't going for Kem. That was true. He really was not going for Kem at all, he didn't care if he saw her or not. There was no way she would show up anyways. She probably would never want to see him again. not that he blamed her. In some ways, he really didn't want to see her. It would bring back too much. He was not going for Kem, and that was the truth.  
Sometimes he thought about Abby. But when ever he caught himself doing that, he forced himself to think of other things. She was far out of his reach, she would never take him back. She had gotten so pissed when he had suggested that he was going back, if only she knew where he was now.  
All he was thinking about as he sat on the plane, bumping and jumping, was how many times he had made this trip now. The first time, running, now he was running again, but there was nothing he could do now. Chicago was far behind him.  
  
Carter managed to get to the clinic a day after arriving in Africa. He had settled in and had been there for a week. He was happy, because while he was there, he was so wrapped up in helping the people, he thought little about anything else.   
It was only at night when it hit him, only at night when he cried. He still needed something, someone. So when Maria, a worker in the clinic came to him some news, he couldn't help but be overjoyed.  
"Dr. John, there's someone here to see you.  
Carter looked up. Luka couldn't be here, he wasn't coming back for a while. He still wanted to be with Sam and Alex.  
"Really?" Carter asked.  
"Yes, a woman came here and asked for you.  
Carter looked up. Kem? He didn't want to see her, he didn't really want her to be here. He didn't want to have to tell her he didn't want to be with her anymore.  
Carter excused himself from the patient he was with, and started following Maria. He came out into the main entrance to the clinic.   
Carter looked down, this was definitely not Kem. The woman was wider than Kem, not fat wide, but she was, healthy looking, wide. She was bending over a child who was on the floor rolling with laughter at something this woman had done. She slowly stood up, and the light caught in her hair. Brown, with blond highlights, a soft face, she was smiling, laughing along with the child.  
Carter couldn't believe it, what was she doing here.  
"Abby........?" Carter stuttered.


	6. Lying Through Her Teeth

Chapter 6: Lying Through Her Teeth  
"What are you doing here?" Abby watched Carter as he took in the idea she was there.  
What was she doing there? She didn't really know. The past week had passed in a blur. She was so mad when Luka had told her that Carter had left. She was mad because she knew what was going to happen. She worried about Carter. He was just setting himself up to be let down when he came back. He would think he had healed, come back and find his wounds exposed again.   
She make quick decisions, things she would have never done normally. She wasn't an impulsive person, but the past week, everything she had done was based on impulse.   
When Luka told her, the first thing she did was call Doctors Without Borders, she got a packet and all the information she needed. Going through it, she always had to remind herself, I am doing this for Carter.   
The truth was, she was. She came her for Carter, to help him. To make sure that this time, he healed. She got on a plane and came here. And now, that she was here, she didn't know why.  
As she stared at Carter, she suddenly was so unsure about what she was doing. Had she made the right choice. Could she help him heal, or had he already healed, and she had just convinced herself that she was doing it to help him.   
As Abby stared at Carter, she realized what had happened, what she was doing. But most of all, she realized where she was. This place, the place Carter had come when he left her. She never understood why before, but it was a beautiful place. Beautiful, yet filled with death and disease.   
"Abby, what are you doing here?" Carter repeated again. Bringing Abby out of her trance. She looked up at him, and looked him in the eye. Could she tell him she was here to help him, to heal him. She couldn't, he looked fine. Just shocked that she was there. How could she tell him now?  
"I came to see what you guys were talking about. You went on and on about this place. I wanted to see what the fuss was about." Abby said, but not looking him in the eye.  
Carter looked at her, almost as if not believing her. Abby didn't think he would, she was lying through her teeth. After all, she wasn't one to come here. Cater knew that. She wouldn't come here on her own. He knew that there had to be a reason behind it. But he smiled, and seemed to buy it.  
"I'll give you a tour," he said. Abby looked at him, he believed it. She had convinced him, but she knew it would take a while to convince herself of the same. 


	7. Wishing and Wondering

To Shadow Spade and All Readers: Longer Chapter here, apon a request. Don't worry, more will come later, and a long awaited talk between our two favorite characters.  
  
Chapter 7: Wishing and Wondering  
What was she doing here? Carter wondered. She wouldn't have just come. He knew that, she wouldn't just come. Especially, why now? Why come now, why not when he left the first time. It made no sense to him.   
Carter remember when they were on the roof, when she got so mad at him for saying he was going. Now she followed him, it made no sense. This isn't the same Abby he knew. Well that he already knew. He found that out when he came back the second time.   
She had gone back to med school. She was so different. So confident, she was a different person then he knew. She no longer seemed afraid. She acted as if nothing could touch her. She wasn't Abby: sad, depressed, always looking at the bad side of things. She had become, Abby: smart, happy, self sufficient, everything going for her.   
This was the Abby he know knew. They had switch places, she had everything going for her, him, he was sinking. So why was she here? Why?  
Carter didn't know, he couldn't figure it out. He had spent the day watching her. She seemed so relaxed, so at ease with all that was around her. He knew the pain and suffering affected her, he could see it in ways that other people couldn't. The years he had spent with her, helped him to see the small things, that showed her emotions. Without these, he would have never known.   
Carter could see it. But it was hard to see, she seemed to fit in right away. Everything seemed to flow for her. All the other doctors and nurses were impressed. They had pressed Carter for information about her, but he hadn't said anything really.  
Carter watched her from across the table. He was finishing his dinner, while she was sitting with the rest of the women. They were all talking about their homes.  
"I grew up with my mother and brother....." Carter heard her say. He didn't have to listen to the story. He knew it, he knew it too well. He knew so much about her, and yet, he knew so little.   
Why was she here. The question still haunted him. He got up from where he was sitting, growing tired of the food that was in front of him, barely touched.   
He walked behind all the women, watching them, their expressions, as she told them. Watching her face, looking unmoved by everything she was telling. But Carter knew, he could see it, he could see inside of her eyes. She was tired of telling this story, she was tired of the sympathy she got for it.   
Carter was now standing behind a tree, in the shadows, so no one could see him. But he was still watching, he was watching all the women now, especially Abby.   
They were gossiping again. Abby told them some about Luka, she had never told them about him and her though. Carter noticed that. She had left out everything that had connected them, only saying they worked together.  
"Did you hear about Carter and Kem." One woman said, after glancing at the table noticing that Carter had left.  
Carter ears pricked up at this. He had known the woman had gossiped about them, but he had never actually heard what they said. He looked at Abby again, who at the sound of Kem, suddenly grew quiet.  
He watched her, not smiling, not frowning, just listening as all the women talked about him and Kem. How they had seen her when she was pregnant. They saw her recently, and she had told them how the baby had died, how Carter and her had gone different ways. Carter watched Abby as they talked about how great of a couple they had been.  
But in her eyes, Carter saw, there was something else, something he couldn't read. Before he had a chance to really see it, Abby stood up. She excused herself, to go to sleep. Claiming the jet lag was getting to her. Carter watched her as she got up, keeping her head down as she walked to the rooms they were sleeping in.  
Carter realized he wanted to go to her. He wanted to look into her eyes and see what that look had been. Was she hurt, was she sad, mad, he couldn't tell. He wanted to hold her, hug her.   
Suddenly Carter was the one who was sad. He was the one who needed to comfort, the hugs. He wasn't Abby, no, he needed her. He wanted to cry into her shoulder. He wanted to apologize for everything.  
Carter took a step from behind the tree, glancing back to the other women. They were still gossiping, then he looked up again, Abby was gone. She had gone inside already.  
Just as well, Carter thought, she didn't come here for me. 


	8. Midnight Capture

Chapter 8: Midnight Capture  
Abby stood in the doorway to the dorms. She had heard them be called dorms, bunks, it was sort of like that she thought. There was a building on stilts, with rooms a long hallway and rooms the the left and right. Some of the rooms had bunk beds in them, others had double beds.  
She stood there, just looking out, watching the night. When she noticed someone moving in the shadows. Abby was jumped, what if it was a rebel, or someone coming to hurt them. But as the person came into the light, she saw it was Carter. He had been behind the trees, near where all the women were gossiping. He had probably heard everything they had said, including the part about Kem.  
She grimaced, why had he been listening? She looked out at the sky again, almost searching for the answers among the stars. It was a beautiful night, a clear sky, covered by a small cloud of heat. Abby knew it would be hot tomorrow. Not that she expected much else, considering this was Africa.   
But she wasn't tired. She didn't want to go to sleep. She was bored, she wanted to be out doing something and she regretted that she had left the women, because she wanted company. Even if they were talking about something she didn't want to hear.  
Abby walked down the steps back to the ground. Looking around her she was searching for something to do. She couldn't see anyone, to her right, everyone was still over in the dining hall and lazing in the chairs, to the left.  
Walking slowly she made her way around the dorms, heading towards the clinic. The lights were out inside but there was still a light on on the porch.  
Just then she heard the bell. It was like a church bell, must much smaller. That was the first thing that they had told her about when she came. That bell was there for one reason. When rebel armies were approaching the bell was rung, to warn people.  
Stricken with fear she turned around and ran back to the light, she could hear gunshots in the distance now. She was running towards the dining hall, so she could be with the other people. She glanced behind her, hoping she still couldn't see anything or anyone behind her. Suddenly she felt herself collide with a solid object. A body.  
He grabbed her arms pulling her with him. not towards the dining hall, but into the trees. Away from the people and the light. He was moving fast, jerking her with him. She opened her mouth to scream but he noticed her mouth widen and quickly pulled her to him, clapping his hand over her mouth. Pulling her to him, he had one hand about her waist, pulling her with him, the other hand, clamped over her mouth.  
Abby shut her eyes. She was too afraid of what might happen next. He was dragging her with him, into the trees deeper and deeper. 


	9. After the Storm

Please Read and Review. I will stop if you don't like it, I can't tell, since there was only one review of last chapter!   
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Chapter 9: After the Storm  
Carter dragged Abby with him. It was harder with the extra weight, but he had to do it. When ever rebel armies approached, everyone who could move went to clearing, which was a small distance from the clinic.   
They hadn't gone there before, normally they just stayed at the clinic praying that the armies would pass. But two months ago, the armies came through, shot all the men, took the women, raped them and then killed them. No one wanted to take chances like that anymore, so all the doctors headed for the clearing.  
The people who were in the clinic would stay there. Partly because they couldn't go anywhere anyways, and because the rebel were less likely to attack them. Not that they were completely safe, but there wasn't much anyone could do when the rebels attacked.  
Coming to the clearing, Carter released Abby, and bent over her. Whispering in her ear.  
"Be very quiet.  
"Carter!" She whispered back, sounding completely relieved.  
"I thought you were someone trying to kidnap, or rape, or kill me.  
"Sorry I didn't explain, but I had to get out of there. There was no time," he whispered in her ear. "This is where everyone goes when the rebels come to the clinic. We have to stay safe, so we come out here.  
"Where is everyone?  
"They should be here any second." he whispered and as he did, more people emerged from the woods around them, coming to the clearing.  
Huddling together in the clearing others soon came to join them. Carter held Abby close as she hugged him, silently crying. They could hear screaming and gun shots in the distance. No one dared move, or go back yet.  
  
Much later, after the sounds had quieted down and the gun shots had moved on, people started to get up, and get ready to go back to camp.  
But Abby and Carter still sat on the ground. Clinging on to each other. Carter could tell that Abby was petrified. The screams had been so loud, the shots, so resonant.  
Perfect first day, was all Carter could think of. Slowly he stood up, pulling Abby up with him. She still clung on to him, so he half walked with her, half carried her back to camp.   
He looked down at her, watching her as tears streamed down her face. She had truly been afraid. Probably partly because of when she had thought he was trying to kidnap her, partly because of all they had heard from the clinic.  
Emerging from the woods, Carter could see that the rebels were gone. But there were bodies on the ground, a few scattered here and there. All men.  
One of the nurses, who had come back earlier than them, came to him and told him the five men had been killed. No one else had been harmed though.   
Carter stilled held Abby though, slowly walking her back to the dorms. Carter led her down the hall to her room. As he shut the door behind them, he walked her into the room.  
Thats when she finally let it go, she collapsed in his arms. Crying into his shoulder, no longer silently. Carter just held her, he sat down on the bed pulling her close to him.  
He had been scared to, but not as much as Abby. He had been through this before, she never had. He understood her fear and her pain. Slowly he held her to him and she cried, and laying back on the pillows, they both fell asleep in each other's arms. 


	10. The Next Morning

Chapter 10: The Next Morning  
Abby woke to the sun on her back..... and an arm wrapped around her back, holding her front to a man's chest. At first Abby was shocked, but then she relaxed, remembering what had happened the night before. She had been in so scared, Carter had comforted her, and now she was in bed with him. Well they hadn't done anything, that she was sure of. She wasn't quite ready to get up yet though, she was still a little tired, so she shut her eyes again, snuggling a little closer to Carter's chest.  
She liked the feeling of having that body there, holding her to him. The warms her produced, the feeling of his breath on the top of her head and neck. It was soft, steady, so she could tell he was still asleep. It was relaxing though, feeling his chest rise and fall in front of her.  
"Abby," She could hear someone outside of her door.  
"Abby are you up? We need your help, we can't find Dr. John." Abby realized no one knew that he was in there with her, that was probably good too. People might assume things if they did know. Quickly she tired to wake up Carter, but it was too late. Her door flew open.  
"Are you up...... oh." Was all the Marie, a nurse at the clinic, had managed to say. She quickly shut the door, while Abby sat up, and Carter was staring at the door.   
"I found Dr. John." Abby heard Marie shout as she walked back towards the clinic.  
Abby realized how, even though they had been dressed, they had been in a compromising position, and probably most wouldn't believe that nothing had happened. Especially since now one knew their history.  
Abby sat on the bed, holding her knees. Glancing back at Carter, she saw he was watching her, both were asking each other what to do next.  
"I, um, need to change." Abby said quickly. She was still wearing the same clothes she had been the day before, because she hadn't had a chance to change the night before.  
"Yeah, okay." Carter said quickly, getting up and moving out of the room. After the door shut behind him, Abby let out a sigh.   
She quickly threw on a pair of shorts and a new t-shirt. Hoping that it wouldn't been too hot.   
Heading towards the clinic, she passed Carter's room. The door opened and Carter stepped out. Walking right behind her they headed out towards the clinic.  
The other doctors and nurses smiled as they approached.   
This isn't so different from County, Abby thought. Gossip travels fast. 


	11. Sand and Water

Sorry about the short chapters! I will make this one longer, but keep in mind, this time it will switch between both of their points of view, just you don't get confused.  
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Chapter 11: Sand and Water  
Abby made her way though the day, slowly, but surely. Some things shocked her, others were normal, others just depressing. She wasn't sure she could come back and keep doing this, yet she wasn't sure she could stop. This was the most rewarding thing she had ever done. She was really helping people, and the modern day technologies didn't hold her back. Of course, in some cases, they were what she really needed, but they had to make do with what they had.  
At the end of the day, she wanted to collapse. She was so tired, but she wasn't quite ready to go to sleep. Walking into the dining hall, she grabbed a beer. But, then she realized what she was doing, she didn't want to get back into that, and carefully placed it back.  
She turned around, hoping to see someone she could go talk to, but she noticed Carter watching her. She met his gaze, suddenly very glad she put the beer back. She wanted him to know that she didn't drink like that anymore, but she wanted him to realize it. She didn't want to have to convince him.   
Neither wanted to break the gaze. Both wanting to know what the other was thinking. But when Marie approached Carter, and started talking to him, he finally turned his head away. Abby continued to watch him for a second more, before she went over to talk with some of the other people.  
  
"She is a nice girl." Marie said to Carter, as she glanced up, realizing who he had been watching.  
"Huh?" Carter said, just looking up. He hadn't been focusing, just staring at his feet.  
"Abby.. she is a nice girl." Marie repeated again.  
"Oh, yeah, she's great.  
"Do you like her?"  
"It's complicated. We have a history, we were friends for a while, then we got together, things got ugly. It was bad..... best left untouched."  
"So this morning......?"  
"Nothing happened. I was just comforting her, she was really shaken up. Look, we had a bad break up, but we had been really close friends before that."  
"Oh, okay."  
"I could tell that she was shaken up. She needed someone."  
"She looked fine to me."  
"She doesn't show emotion very much. You have to learn to read her. She hides her feelings."  
"Why?"  
"Her past, her family, she is afraid to show her emotions openly. Too afraid she will be hurt."  
"How do you know all this?"  
"That's what four years will teach you."  
"Four years really? Wow."  
"Yeah, well, it was a little more, but I was a jerk for the first part of it." Sudden;y realizing he was saying too much, why was he revealing all of this?  
"You? A jerk?  
"It was complicated."  
"Still waiting.......  
"I got addicted to pain meds, she turned me in."  
"Oh...."  
"Like I said, it's complicated, you really don't want to know."  
"No, actually I do."  
"Sorry, but I don't really want to talk about it."  
Carter was suddenly a little pissed off. Marie taking the hint said ood night and went to join the others.  
Carter hadn't thought of that in a while, so long ago, when she walked in on him shooting up. Then when he had told her off, then, their talk in the bar when he came back.  
He still remembered the song that had played while they talked. All alone, I didn't like the feeling All alone, I sat and cried All alone, I had to find some meaning In the center of the pain I felt inside All alone, I came into the world All alone, I will someday die Solid stone is just sand and water, baby Sand and water, and a million years gone by I will see you in the light of a thousand suns I will hear you in the sound of the waves I will know you when I come, as we all will come, Through the doors, beyond the grave All alone, I heal this heart of sorrow  
There was more, he couldn't remember the rest of the words. Not that they mattered, this was already enough like him... he didn't want to remember more.   
Sand and water, how much that was like him now. People seem so solid, like solid stone, but it's just sand and water, and can easily crumble. How could her presence have such a huge effect on him. He didn't want to be thinking about these things, he had come here to forget them. He hated the way she was doing this to him. He was crumbling again, every time he remembered, he crumbled. But right now, he didn't want to remember, he wanted to forget. Carter turned to leave, he wanted to go to sleep.  
  
Abby watched Carter turn and leave, he suddenly seemed so sad and depressed. Abby wondered what was wrong, she really wanted to know, so she put down her glass of water, and started after to him. 


	12. A Much Needed Convorsation

Chapter 12: A Much Needed Conversation  
Walking quickly behind him, she managed to catch up with him.  
"Hey Carter," She said quietly. She really wanted to talk to him, find out what was wrong, as well as just talk. Something they hadn't done in such a long time.  
But Carter merly glanced back at her and scowled. He was kind of mad, why did she have to come. He asked him self why she had to be there. He wanted to forget, but she kept reminding him.  
"Carter, what's wrong?" Abby was shocked, he seemed really mad at her, and she didn't know why.  
"Why are you here Abby? Why did you come?" His question shattered the air around her. Making her look at him in shock, almost as if he didn't want her there.  
"What?" She wasn't sure she had really heard him.  
"Why are you here? Why did you come. The Abby I knew wouldn't have come. She didn't even come when her then boyfriend was here. Now there is no reason for you to be here. WHY DID YOU COME?  
Abby looked at him, shocked. WHy had she come, she had come for Carter.   
"I not that person anymore Carter, in case you hadn't noticed. I guess that perfect little family you had there clouded your mind, or else you would have noticed that long ago, when you came back with her.  
Abby knew she shouldn't have said that. Bringing up Kem, not the best idea, but not much she could do now. Carter scowled at her, and turned to leave.   
"Go ahead Carter, prove to be more of a hypocrite than you already have been. Don't drink Abby, don't smoke Abby, don't run Abby. Who's drinking now Carter, and smoking? Look who's running now Carter, look who's running now!" Abby yelled at his retreating back. Carter whirled around.  
"You can't run from this Carter. Surely you learned this last time when you came back? When you came back and realized nothing had changed there. You can't heal here, because you don't have to think about it here. At least take it from someone who knows, you can't run from your problems." Abby voice had lowered as she watched him.  
"Why did you come? WHy do you have to be here?" Carter was looking at her, just not even knowing what to think. She had called him on everything and he knew it. But he didn't want to accept it.  
"I came for you Carter, I came because I couldn't let you run this time.  
Carter just stared at her. He hated her for that, he felt as if she was coming to hurt him. It would have been almost as bad as if it were Kem standing in front of him now.  
"Leave me alone Abby. Go back to Chicago.  
"I am not leaving Carter. This time I am not giving up. I will not give up, because I know Carter. I know, I have never been more sure of something in my life. This place is not going to help you. You will forget only to come back and feel the loss all over again. You know this, you know it! Carter, no one will think less of you if you stop crying for your son. They all know that you miss him, but they will think less of you for running from it. You will never forget him, just as you will never forget your brother, but you keep living life. You have to. Coming here, you are just going to forget, and then when you come back, it will be the same all over again. You have to get over this, but you can't do that here! I am not saying leave Carter, because I know you wont do that. But I am here to make sure, this time, this time you will heal. Unlike with your Gamma.  
"Don't talk to me about Gamma........" Carter started.  
"You haven't gotten over her Carter. I know you haven't, so don't try to pretend that you have. This will be that same as when she died, you will come back and still wont be healed. Only this time when you come back, you wont have a prefect family to distract you from your pain. This time you will be dealing with three losses, instead of this one.  
Abby had caught him, he knew she was right. He didn't want to deal with it though, he didn't want to have to, but there was one thing she was wrong about.....  
"Two..." Carter whispered.  
"What?" Abby asked him.  
"Only two losses. With Kem it was mutual, it was time for us to let go.  
"Oh," Abby said, looking at the ground now. Things were silent around them, all that could be heard was the sound of the wind in the trees. Looking up Abby was looking at the stars.  
"I understand now why you came here." Abby said, "It really is beautiful.  
"I should have never left you like that though. Not even telling you. I just, I took things out on you, I shouldn't have, I'm sorry.  
"I know you are. I shouldn't have been such a bitch when you came back. But I didn't think you'd leave me right away again.  
"Well neither did I.  
"Yeah........." Abby said, as a loss for words.  
"I am sorry about the letter......." He tried to finish, but when he said that Abby head shot up. She was staring at him, just staring.  
Abby slowly shook her head and let out a snort of disgust.   
"I really am sorry Abby.  
Abby looked at him, tears stinging her eyes.  
"The whole ER read that you know. They all knew I wasn't good enough for you.  
"I never said that.  
"You might have well said it Carter, because I don't know what to think of _When we were just friends, it was safe. Maybe we even put each other on pedestals, I don't know. And then when we were finally together, it didn't become what either of us thought it would be. I didn't end up being what you expected, and you didn't end up being... sorry I am rambling'!_ That's what you wrote.  
"Is that really what it said?" Cater sounded surprised, partly that Abby knew it so well, and partly that he had really said something like that.  
"I should know. I read through that letter so much, I know the whole thing Carter. I spent days pouring over it, hoping that you didn't really mean what you said. Trying to catch something that made it seem like it was hard for you to write this. A tear, maybe a space where the writing changed a little. Maybe it was a different day. But there was nothing, it was almost as if you wrote without thought of feeling. As if you didn't care.  
Abby was staring at him, not able to look away.  
"I spent so long with that letter, hoping and praying that maybe there was something there I didn't see. I tried to analyze it, read between the lines. I did everything, to try and make it seem not real, maybe see that is wasn't true.  
"I'm sorry Abby, I never meant that you were good enough for me. I never ever thought that.  
"We just had to work to hard right?" He had written that too, "I didn't give you enough, I wasn't enough. How could you not have meant it, you implied it so many times in that letter." Abby looked at him.   
"Why do you think that came back to such a different person? I thought I wasn't good enough, so I changed. I went back to school, I stopped drinking and smoking for real this time. I thought when you came back I could convince you that I was different, that I had changed, and then maybe you would want me again." Abby didn't know why she was explaining this, but she knew she had to.  
"You still loved me?  
"How could I not? You had been my life for the past year, my best friends for years before that. How could I not still love you, or care about you..... so I waited. But then, you came back.... with her.  
Suddenly it hit Carter, how much that had hurt her. She didn't know that he had met her after he had sent the letter. He looked into her eyes at this point. He could have kicked himself, why hadn't he realized this before?  
"I am sorry Abby. I really am.  
"Don't be Carter. You found someone better. Thats just the way it works." Abby said, she no longer wanted to talk. So she turned around to leave, but she hadn't taken two steps before she felt a hand enclose upon her wrist, pulling her back. 


End file.
